People do change their minds. Adults learn that there are times when it is appropriate to take a different tack because you have received additional information that makes your original thought inappropriate or inaccurate. Children have to learn that, and it is the responsibility of adults to model that behavior.
For children it is hard work to use their newly-discovered thinking tools to come to a firm decision. Then, having arrived there, it is even harder to give up that decision in favor of a new one. Thus, children become obdurate and will cling to their first decision until it is okay to admit that it’s not a good one. That can take a long time for some children; some never give in.
I couch that commentary in the realm of child-like behavior intentionally, because when adults are obdurate and refuse to admit that their decision is flawed, they are reverting to childish behavior. Obdurate people reject correction for a number of reasons:
- It feels like having to admit they were wrong.
- It is embarrassing to have committed a lot of personal agenda to a flawed cause.
- Intellectual evidence is not sufficient to one who embraces emotional causes.
- Lack of trust in others dominates one’s decision-making.
- It’s hard to let go of one’s ego-centrist posturing.
There is a difference between defending one’s principles and being obdurate. We see that displayed frequently in public life. In the political realm, for instance, we are watching debate which challenges one’s ideological position on such matters as abortion, same-sex marriage, and gender/race positions. The tension between those ideologies and one’s necessity to embrace diversity of thought is difficult for some to acknowledge. It is hard for those people to give credibility to someone’s opinion which is at odds with their own.
Thinking, sensitive people learn how to continue to embrace their own principles while allowing for diversity of thought on the matter. But others become obdurate and cling to their precious beliefs with tenacity and sometimes rancor. The cartoon I’ve chosen shows the donkey digging in its heels and refusing to move, even though the prospector’s reason for moving may be to the benefit of the donkey. It’s a good illustration of how obdurate works.
To attempt to be in dialogue with an obdurate person is difficult. I assume that it is difficult for the obdurate person to be in dialogue with someone who is more flexible, as well. Becoming a thinking adult means learning the techniques of flexibility without discarding one’s heartfelt principles. It is about dialogue … and sometimes concession on aspects which don’t require hard and fast embrace. Obdurate behavior stifles dialogue and creates lines in the sand which separate people.
New England town meetings are a great example of how that works. Citizens of a town come together to practice “pure democracy” which involves debate and dialogue. In the end,when the debate section is concluded, it is necessary to take a vote on a subject. It is at that point that most people are able to come to a consensus on the subject, having had their opportunity to express their misgivings or their suggestions. The goal is to provide for the opportunity to move forward as a community. That doesn’t require any person to violate (his) basic principles. And a “yes” vote or a “no” vote doesn’t mean that winning or losing the debate is the end of the world. It does mean that a community has spoken and a decision has been made.
The obdurate person leaves such a setting in anger and with a sense of rejection. How unfortunate. (She) has just experienced the beauty of democratic process, knowing that the opportunity to be heard has been granted and respected.
Cartoon Credit: Phocabulary
{ 3 comments… read them below or add one }
Thank you, Jed, for the brilliant blog. I really enjoy reading your work.
Thanks, Missy, for a significant comment. Your scholarship and experience add a lot to the point my posting was intended to make.
Lovely essay. From my experience, with hundreds of children “obdurate” behavior starts in childhood and is more predominant in homes where parents practice overtly authoritarian disciplinary styles. Most children form personality traits by 7 years that will last for the rest of their lives. Child psychology teaches us this fact. Here is what happens: child is taught to ‘obey’ at all costs, they are belittled often, made to feel guilty for typical age-appropriate behavior, and learn to play the victim card from a parent. There is a complete lack of critical thinking skills taught in the home. Most of these parents also seem to have rather bigoted opinions on life and this quality is likewise passed to the child. I can tell, with scary accuracy, if a child is a product of authoritarian and obdurate parents. These children either act out suddenly and revert to extremely immature behavior or are overly shy.
I also see a positive correlation between obdurate personality traits and narcissism. Both of these personality traits are increasing in frequency, from my informal assessment. I would love to see a psychological study that could attest to why this could be. I have seen an Academy of Pediatrics study basically tying extreme right wing religious views with increased teen suicide rates. The reason the study concluded that suicide rates are increasing at alarming rates (2 to 7 times the national average) in pockets in southern states had a very positive correlation with teen expose to intolerance, hate speech, extreme religious ideology and an inability to critically think for themselves. Ultimately leading teens to take a permanent child like solution, (suicide), to a usually very temporary life circumstances. These reasons make sense from what I have seen in my occupation. I see extreme ideological religious behaviors that are a catalyst to immense problems within homes. Something is going very wrong with some aspects of our society with parents acting more like children than their children. Mommy and Daddy dearest at its worst.