Yesterday I received wonderful news. My godson, Mark, and his partner of fifteen years, Michael, were married in Washington, D.C. It was the fifteen anniversary of their commitment ceremony. In the meantime they have established themselves as respected professionals; demonstrated the qualities of commitment which are enviable; and adopted a beautiful little girl, Haley. Throughout these fifteen years there has been no “in your face” behavior or political grandstanding. These two outstanding men love each other and have lived for fifteen years in a way that demonstrates that love to those around them. I couldn’t be happier for them and prouder of them. Haley is a very fortunate little girl to have such wonderful parents.
This gives me a chance to say some things about marriage that I have believed for a long time.
- Marriage is more than a wedding. I can’t count the number of times I have shuddered, watching a couple plan a wedding that has almost nothing to do with marriage. It is a photo-shoot at its best and a disaster at its most common. Weddings last for a couple of hours. Marriages last for decades. To participate in a wedding without giving thought to the sacrifices required, the struggles which are inevitable, and the promises which are available is to practice foolishness.
- The institution of marriage is not owned by the religious community. While there is a legitimate religious component to some marriages, the institution is even more a civil thing than a spiritual thing. The Europeans have it right. They hold a civil ceremony in a secular setting…many times a licensing bureau. Then, those who are seriously religious go to their place of worship to have their new marriage blessed according to the traditions of their faith. If they are not particularly religious, they don’t. They are still married. The shams of weddings I have seen in front of altars by people who have not a drop of spiritual or religious intention are embarrassing. They are, in many cases, just a piece of drama being held in a beautiful place.
- The whole flap over same-gender marriage is more about the complainer than about the couple. Granted, it takes time for some people to get used to the idea if their entire experience has been with couples of different genders and if they have never had the opportunity to think deeply about what is being said. The joining of two people who love each other/ respect each other/ want to embrace the joys and the ills of marriage for the rest of their lives/ want to promise to be faithful to each other is as natural as breathing clean air. It has little, if anything, to do with gender. It does nothing to endanger the institution of marriage; to the contrary, it enhances it.
- I’m tired of people referring to same gender relationships using the sex word. The relationship which Mark and Mike embraced yesterday is about more than sex; it is about love and respect and commitment. The use of terms like homosexual and same-sex puts the focus on the most volatile issue without giving appropriate credibility to the most important. I prefer to use the term gender which is more to the point.
- It’s time for the religious community to begin generating more light than heat. The religious community has played a defensive role when dealing with the issue of same-gender marriage, again thinking itself to be the protector of the institution of marriage. In its refusal to condone same-gender marriages it has established barriers which have undermined the lives of good, faithful people who want to do the right thing. In the end, the religious community is the loser.
Congratulations, Haley. You have chosen two wonderful parents. Your family is now even better than it was. Your Dads are very, very happy and have taken a step which makes your life safer and less confusing. It makes the rest of us who love them very happy also.
Photo Credit: Eufin
